I totally dropped the ball on my 31 Days of Blogoween. Even with October being one of my favorite months of the year. I had things planned out, I had posts ready to go… then I missed a day. And then a second, and I started scrambling. I had three posts half-written, waiting for photos, doubted a fourth that was finished but not something I was super into and then I just… crashed. And that self- doubt I talked about a few times this year just took a choke-hold and wouldn’t let go.
Let me take this back for a second, in time that is.
In middle school I took a creative writing class instead of a normal English class and I was hooked. I filled multiple little notebooks with poetry and short stories before I started high school. Then I started a private live journal freshman year. I had books about becoming a writer that were doggedly ear marked and had color coded sticky notes with a master key. I entered contests, wrote for two different school papers and contributed to a published book of poetry by minors that made me feel accomplished.
I was still blogging when I first joined the military, but it was too “raw” for the person I was dating. So, I stopped for a long time, other than for my actual job in the military. (I was a Photographer but helped write some articles for the Air Force. We eventually merged and became Photojournalists, so I was then writing several times a month for the last four years of my AF career).
Writing used to be a release but after everything I’d gone through in a just a few short years, I no longer wanted to.
And with all that in mind, finding my identity today, let alone as a blogger or writer, is frightening. I’ve come into myself finally, in ways I’ll explain another time… but I really thought I could pick a blog back up and just run with it.
It’s intimidating and a huge comparison game.
So thoughts starting hitting me all at once… kind of like the zombies in World War Z climbing over each other to get up that wall. (First thing I envisioned when writing that.) There’s the questions of what to blog about, whether any one is going to read your ramblings, how and where to start, can you really make money doing it, do I have to sign over my soul? I know how to shoot great photos, I know how to write pretty damn good articles… so why do I feel like I’m failing before even getting started? Laziness most likely, or fear of getting it right? I was never good at staging items for a photo… only people. And damn, I could hit a deadline in the military; interview, transcription, article written, photos edited, everything submitted, within a few hours if need be… I was on it. But then, it WAS a job, and an important one, and although I feel like I could treat my blog as such, I also feel like it would take the fun out of it for me.
All of the “27 Ways You’re Blogging Wrong” and “6 Ways to Gain More Followers” and “How I Made a Million Dollars My First 6 weeks of Blogging”. Ok people. I get that some of it works and I understand lead magnets and e-mail lists. I’ve definitely been guilty of googling everything to figure out how to do all this right. Some of it did help, don’t get me wrong… but the rest of it was misleading. I found good bloggers to follow, I found decent people I wanted to hear more from…
But then I felt like I couldn’t do it. Who in their right mind would read what I had to share? Who would want to follow and engage with me Also, I think the only money I really wanted to make from this blog was to help cover ownership of my website domain and hosting charges… other than that, it was more of an escape and also a way to connect with like-minded people.
I had to give myself a break. Again. This year has really been about a lot self-care and figuring out what I want. Back in April (APRIL!?) I talked about my fear of failure and after going back and reading that, I got a boost of hope again. My passion for creating is still there and I’m building it up for writing again. I just want to feel supported, and the support I have received so far (and am very thankful for) are from women who I only know over the internet, through blogging.
Taking advice from those blogging friends, I’m going to continue staying true to what I enjoy and only post the things that mean something to me. If I’m joined on this journey by you lovely readers, I’ll be even more thankful. Connections and sharing stories means more to me than numbers anyhow.
In the end, I still want to blog. I still want to share our crazy, nerdy life, adventures and DIYs. And those odds and ends.
I just don’t want be as hard on myself and will push things out as often as I feel like it. I’m hoping to get in a better schedule for myself, in many areas of my life, but there will always be room for error. Though since my new job working over night takes a lot out of me, my off-days are well accounted for so I don’t get burnt out.
If you made it through all of that, thanks. I’ve made some great connections over this blog and social media for it, so I know there’s a special place for Dahlia and July. I just gotta get some of my shit together, right?
Do you have any realistic tips or advice for new bloggers? I’m opening the floor, and I’m all ears. (Or eyes, if we’re talking about reading here… heh.)